


Nothing Unknown

by TraceyLordHaven



Series: Next to Nothing [5]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21752953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TraceyLordHaven/pseuds/TraceyLordHaven
Summary: "... I was just a petulant fool mad that he didn't get his way.""So, what the hell is wrong with me?"
Relationships: Chakotay & Kolopak (Star Trek), Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine, Kathryn Janeway & Mark Johnson
Series: Next to Nothing [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556821
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	1. Something old, something new?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that people are OK with this continuing.
> 
> Still don't own, just playing.

Despite the late hour, the night air was still hot when Chakotay took a seat in the dust of the Tsankawi mesa-top, near the site of his most recent excavation project. The students who had accompanied him this year were all down in the main camp tent, which was artificially cooled, enjoying an “end of dig” party. They had tried repeatedly to get their professor and site chief to celebrate with them, but very little made Chakotay feel his age like observing an undergraduate bacchanal. And he still had something important to take care of.

In the year-and-a-half since Seven had died, Chakotay had experienced only limited success in his attempts to contact his spirit guide. He would mediate and attempt the rituals, but intrusive thoughts blocked him. Occasionally, he would feel himself entering the spirit realm but find it empty, no animal guide available.

The dryness of his spiritual life was matched by the dryness of the soil he sat on.

Tonight was his last night at Tsankawi, at least for another year. A different team would be managing the dig for a while, and he would return to the classrooms at Berkley. He felt that if he couldn’t reach his guide tonight, in this place where the spirits of his ancestors left the air heavy with memory, then he might have to endure another year without that special counsel. And he wasn’t sure he could take that.  
His need had only increased after he received a message padd from one of the staff who managed the group’s communications. It had been a summons, of sort. From Axum.

Chakotay had not seen Axum since Seven’s memorial service. Chakotay had kept some distance – even though he was “officially” the man in mourning, he knew that the person who had lost the most was this leader of the Borg Resistance, the Beta-quadrant native who had risked so much to see Seven, and had only gotten a couple of months with his love before she died. So he had given the man space.

Plus, Chakotay had thought, had hoped, that after Seven’s death he would be occupied reintegrating Kathryn Janeway into his life. Wanting to devote time to getting to know her again, he’d avoided plans that might pull him away from that much-anticipated project.

So, yeah, that didn’t work out.

Axum had sent a written message to Chakotay asking to meet him and the Voyager Memorial at Starfleet Headquarters the next afternoon. Axum was leaving Earth in two days, probably for good, and he wanted to see Chakotay before he left. He said he needed to discuss some of Seven’s finals days with him.

It wasn’t the sort of invitation Chakotay felt he could refuse. But he really needed to talk it over with someone, first.

He had taken his medicine bundle and headed to the mesa-top. He desperately needed to see his animal guide tonight, but given how unsuccessful his attempt the last 18 months had been, he didn’t feel particularly optimistic.

So when he entered the spirit realm easily and not only found his animal guide slithering near him, but also the spirit of this father, Kolopak, waiting for him with a smile, he was thrilled, if surprised.

“Hello, my son,” Kolopak said.

“Hello, Father,” Chakotay replied, smiling gratefully.

Kolopak sat across from his son, looked around and asked, “Where is this place?”

Chakotay glanced around, then his eyes widened in shock. They were on New Earth, next to the river he had planned to explore with Kathryn all those years ago.

“We are on a planet far, far from here. A place I haven’t seen in more than 20 years. I do not know why this is where we came.”

At this, Chakotay’s animal guide spoke up.

“Why do you say this place is far from home? I have visited you here before. In your heart, you claim this as your home, more than you ever claimed Earth or Trebus.”

Chakotay looked at the ground. He was quiet for a moment the said, “I guess there was a time I wanted this to be home. It wasn’t meant to be, though. I thought I had put my memories of this place aside.”

“You were here with your beautiful woman warrior, were you not?” Kolopak asked.

Chakotay nodded.

“Kathryn,” the snake hissed softly.

Chakotay stood and walked to a large tree next to the water.

“I used to sit here to think,” he said. “This is where I started planning the boat. I napped here, occasionally ate here. She never joined me, of course. She was too busy with her experiments. I often thought if I could just get her to spend some time with me here, she’d see the same beauty I did. I hoped she might turn her eyes to me and away from the direction Voyager had gone. I thought if I could get her to join me her, at this spot ….”

As Chakotay’s voice trailed off, his guide spoke again.

“You thought you convince her to stop being who she was and become who you wanted?”

Chakotay looked up. His father was nodding agreement with the snake.

“What? No! I wasn’t trying to change her, why would you say that? Father, why do you agree?”

Kolopak looked at his son lovingly.

“My son, all your life, you have been the wind, a great wind trying to turn the trees of the forest left and right, trying to bend them to your will. But your great warrior woman was a sequoia to your breezes.”

Chakotay considered his father’s comparison.

“Yes, Kathryn was, and still is, like a giant sequoia. Tall and straight, unyielding. Strong, so strong. And beautiful – not just physically, but in spirit. And I loved her for it.”

The snake replied, “But isn’t it true that you also resented her for it?”

Chakotay looked his guide then his father. He slumped against the trunk of the oak-like tree on this spirit realm New Earth.

“B’Elanna seems to think so.”

Kolopak smiled in recognition.

“Ah, your friend B’Elanna. I like her very much. I like that she will speak strongly to you.”

Chakotay slid down the trunk of the tree to sit again at its base. He made a slight face at the memory of his meeting with Tom and B’Elanna last year.

“She said that I took the things I loved about Kathryn and tried to change them. She made it sound as though I was just a petulant fool mad he didn’t get his way.”

Chakotay, his father, and his animal guide were all silent for a moment. The Chakotay heard a strange noise coming from his guide.

The snake was laughing. She was laughing at him. And Kolopak was laughing with her.

Chakotay stared at them both. He had finally made contact with the spirit realm to seek guidance, and the voices he trusted most were laughing at him.

He was getting a little pissed off.

Kolopak’s laugher subsided and he asked, “Do you remember how I used to call you a contrary?"

Still irritated, Chakotay nodded.

"Anytime you were faced with a situation you could not manage or did not enjoy, you ran towards the opposite. You left our simple life on Trebus for the technology of Starfleet. When your mother and I died and Starfleet didn't give you a path to revenge, you ran towards the Maquis, where there were no rules."

His guide added "You were tiring of the Maquis, Chakotay. You didn't want to admit it, but vengeance did nothing to soothe your spirit. Had you not ended up in the Delta Quadrant, you would not have remained with them much longer."

Chakotay looked down. He had never spoken it aloud to anyone, but his guide was correct.

"No, I wouldn’t have. I was still angry, but I was also so tired. I was tired of the bloodshed. I was tired of the constant threat against people I cared for. I was bothered by the last of respect for life I saw in many of my comrades."

Kolopak sighed and said, "That is because despite your anger, you are not built for hatred or killing. That part of your heart has always been strong, my son. To take a life is to injure it. Each time you killed a Cardassian, it was injury to your spirit.” 

The snake hissed “You never had to face it, though, you ended up in the Delta Quadrant."

"Where I still ended up quitting," Chakotay countered.

"No,” his guide replied, “you once again just ran to the opposite. You ran back to Starfleet. It was another contrary act. But it brought you a great surprise in the form of your Kathryn."

Chakotay shook his head and said, "She was not what I expected in a Starfleet captain, that's for sure."

Kolopak said, "And you began to care for her. And when you arrived at this place, you felt peace. Why do you think that was?"

Chakotay answered quickly.

"There was no pressure here. No expectations. We were going to be here for the rest of our lives, all we had was each other. I knew it immediately, but it took her a while to recognize it. And then when she did …."

"When she did, you got the call that there was a cure," his father said.

"And my peace left," Chakotay replied sadly.

"No, your peace returned to Voyager with you,” Kolopak countered. “And you both had to readjust to the expectations you had upon you. That is why you were so angry with her, seemed to readjust."

Chakotay’s animal guide added, “You didn’t see in her the suffering you were feeling in you heart. That is what you resented.”

"But I didn't want to change anything about her being captain," Chakotay claimed.

Kolopak looked evenly at his son. "You wanted her to treat you as the equal you saw yourself as – but you had agreed to be her subordinate. You wanted her to treat you as her protector, as when you protected and comforted her during the ion storm on this planet. But when you accepted your position, you made *her* the protector of you and all your crew. You wanted her to live with her feet in two different worlds."

"I wanted her to love me," Chakotay argued.

"She did love you. In your heart you knew it. What you wanted was for her to demonstrate that love. Which she could not do. You knew that, too,” the snake hissed shrilly.

Kolopak added, “So your contrary nature started showing itself again. You couldn't run away from her, it was too small a ship for that. You fought her decisions, even disobeyed her. When faced with new challenges, you recommended that she give up the journey home and settle on some planet. You told her in every way but words that she was no longer your peace. Can you imagine how that must have wounded her?"

Chakotay, a pained look in his eyes, replied, "That's part of what I've been trying to understand this last year and a half. To understand what I did to her that led her to completely cut me out of her life."

At this, Chakotay’s father and animal guide exchanged weary looks.

"You believed that if she couldn't publicly show you the warmth you desired, then it meant she was cold,” his guide stated. “She wasn't. But you got tired of waiting. Chakotay, while your bearing indicates that you have great patience, in reality, your heart has none. You will not wait for peace, you chase it, stalk it as though it is an anime in the forest. But peace cannot be hunted or captured. It comes to you only when you are able to accept it, not when you seek to grab it."

The scene changed. They were no longer on New Earth, they were on the bridge of Voyager. Chakotay saw Earth – the real one – looming large in the view port. He saw himself standing next to Seven, his arms around her. Then he saw Kathryn looking at the him and Seven, the pain in her eyes unmistakable. It hurt to see – to see her heartbreak, and to see himself ignoring it.

Kolopak spoke softly, "Peace was ready to come to you here, at this time. But you had already run to your next escape."

Chakotay took a deep breath and replied, "You’re talking about Seven."

\-------------------------------------------------------------

"So, what the hell is wrong with me?" Kathryn asked.

After her emotional conversation with Naomi, Kathryn realized she had reached significant moment of decision in her life. She was either going to spend the rest of her life as she had the last sixteen years -- busy but not really living -- or she was going to find a way to rejoin her Voyager family, not as Captain or Admiral, but as Kathryn.

To do that, she needed to understand how she allowed herself to become so isolated. So she turned to one of her oldest friends, someone who had seen her from the years of playground bruises to a comforting romance, from her supposed death to her reappearance, all the way to this moment.

Mark Johnson looked at her warily and asked, "Why do I feel like that's a trick question?"

Kathryn grinned and rolled her eyes.

She had come to the home her former fiancé shared with his wife in Washington. Mark and Carla had been thrilled to see her and invited her to stay the weekend. After dinner the second night, the three were still enjoying the cool evening air in the back yard. There had been a lull in the conversation, then Kathryn tossed out her unusual question.

Carla had lightly slapped her husband’s arm at his response, then she looked affectionately at Kathryn.

"I am tempted to say 'not a damn thing,' but I get the feeling you aren't just looking for affirmation. What's going on?" Carla asked.

“A lot,” Kathryn replied with a sigh.

She told them the stories of the last couple of years -- really, the last 23 years. She’d already told Mark and Carla a lot of it. When she returned to Earth and sought to get to know them as a couple, they had been quite curious about her time in the Delta Quadrant. Telling them her various Voyager stories had been surprisingly therapeutic. Those conversations had been a great way for Kathryn and Carla to get to know one another, and they had helped Kathryn and Mark close the door on "what might have been” once and for all.

But tonight, she needed to talk about more than strange aliens and spatial phenomena, she needed to talk about herself. 

It wasn't really a surprise to Carla and Mark that she was finally going to bare her soul about what happened in the Delta Quadrant, they’d expected it for a long time. Both felt that much of Kathryn's current restlessness came from how tightly she held on to her emotions about that time, and the events immediately after Voyager returned.

Kathryn told them about meeting Chakotay and how completely he changed her life. She talked about her attraction to him on Voyager despite her feelings of loyalty to Mark. She tried to explain the constant stress of being the only Starfleet captain in the Delta Quadrant, the threats they faced from the Videans and the Kazon, and the fears she tried so hard to hide from her crew. She told them about New Earth and the closeness she'd shared there with her first officer, and then the confusing disappointment she'd felt when they left. She described the arrival of Seven, the loss of Kes, and the distance she’s allowed to grow between herself and many of her crew, Chakotay in particular. She found she was still angry about Rudy Ransom and the Equinox crew. She shared the exhilaration she's felt with Kashyk and Jaffen and the bitterness that followed. She cried when she told them about the loss of Joe Carey, when she couldn't sleep for days from guilt and a fear that she ultimately would get everyone on that ship killed.

She told them about meeting herself, and being told about Chakotay and Seven. She tried to explain how it had felt to see them leave the ship together, but felt her words couldn't truly portray her heartache and loneliness. She didn't have to tell them much about the sixteen years since Voyager's return, they had observed a lot of it themselves. 

Then she told them about learning of Seven's illness and the paralyzing indecision she'd felt about going to see her. She relayed her conversation with Chakotay the day he came to see her after Seven's death, and her refusal of his overtures. She talked about trying to get herself lost in her work, and believing she'd succeeded, until the night of the Voyager reunion and her dressing down from Tom. She told them everything the Doctor had said to her, and her heart-rending encounter with Naomi.

She finished with a sigh and looked at her two friends.

"So," she said, "back to my original question. What’s wrong with me?"

Carla reached to put her hand on Kathryn’s.

“And I return to my original response – not a damn thing. I think you are remarkable. You have endured things that would break most people, most Starfleet officers. I don’t think that ship would have made it fifty feet in the Delta Quadrant without you in command.”

While Kathryn truly hadn’t been looking for affirmation, she was thankful for Carla’s words – sometimes, she needed to hear those comments from someone who didn’t feel a professional obligation to say them.

Mark was as impressed with Kathryn as his wife, but he also knew his former fiancé well. He could easily see her emotional scars, but he also knew many of them were self-inflicted.

“Kath,” he asked, “What was your biggest fear out there?”

“Not getting them home,” she quickly replied.

Mark shook his head.

“No, that would have been the result. What were you most afraid of? What was the thing that could happen that you knew would lead to not ever getting home?”

Kathryn leaned forward, resting an elbow on the table and her chin on her hand. She wasn’t sure she knew what he was really asking. 

“I guess,” she began slowly. “I guess … I was afraid of failing? Is that what you are trying to get me to say?”

Mark smiled and said, “I am not trying to get you to say anything in particular. But I also know that your fear isn’t failure – you are too much of a risk taker for that. There is something you fear more than failure. I used to kid you about it, a little.”

Kathryn shook her head and said “Mark, I really don’t know.”

He replied quickly and harshly, "The fact you can actually say that with a straight face amazes me." He started to say something else, then sat back in his chair and looked at his hands. He took a deep breath and looked at Kathryn, then at his wife.

"Wow, we are really going to do this. I swore I would never tell her," he said to Carla, with a small smile.

Carla regarded him for a moment, then nodded slightly.

"Tell me what?" Kathryn asked.

Mark sighed again, then looked at his former fiancé. There was pain in his eyes.

"I proposed to you knowing you would never marry me," he said. "I am sorry I did that to you. It was unfair of me, and maybe even a little cruel."

Kathryn was dumbfounded.

"I don't understand. You thought I would never marry you? Why did you think that? I loved you, Mark! I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with you!" she fired back at him. Then she looked apologetically at Carla.

"I am sorry, Carla, you know I don’t feel that way for him anymore."

Carla laid a comforting hand on Kathryn’s and replied, "It's OK, Kathryn. He and I talked about this a long time ago. Let him explain."

Mark leaned forward.

"Kath, I am only telling you this now because it has to do with what you fear. You and I have known each other since we were children. I know you, and I want to help you. But we’ve got to cover some significant territory for me to do so. Are you okay with that?”

Kathryn was irritated, but also very curious. She gave an affirmative nod.

Mark continued.

“I adored you as a kid. You were always so kind to me -- I was this weird, annoying little guy, and you took me seriously. But you also made me laugh. You loved life back then, Kath. And life seemed to love you back. As rigorous as it was, you were in your element at the Academy. Every time I saw you when you were home on break, you seemed to be shining even brighter. Then you got your first assignment -- you could have powered three starships with the energy in your smile."

Kathryn felt a shiver run through her at those memories – Mark was right, she had been full of joy.

Mark’s voice was quieter when he said, "Then you and Owen Paris were captured."

He reached across the table to grab her hand, the one not held by Carla.

"I hated that for you, Kath. I hated them for what they made you endure. Not just the physical pain and the fear, but your exposure to ugliness and hatred. It was the first time I ever saw the light in you dim."

He let go of her hand then leaned back in his chair. 

"That's also the first time I saw you retreat."

"Retreat?" Kathryn asked

"Retreat," Mark repeated. "Though I didn't recognize it as that back then. You buried yourself in Starfleet. In the months after you returned, every time I saw one of your parents or Phoebe and I asked after you, they told me about some new Fleet challenge you had taken on.” 

Mark raised his eyebrows and added, “Of course, you had found another distraction, too."

Kathryn’s head jerked up. 

"Justin wasn't a distraction," she responded.

"I know he wasn't," Mark replied gently. "You would have fallen for him had he been a peddler on street. You loved him, and he loved you, I have no doubt of that."

Mark smiled at Kathryn.

"You know, Justin was the only person I have ever really felt jealous of. He put the light back into your eyes."

Kathryn smiled sadly. She looked at Carla and said, "Justin was a wonderful man."

Carla grinned and said, "And he was cute, too. Phoebe showed me a picture once."

Kathryn smiled wider, then sighed.

“What does this have to do with what I fear?”

Mark continued, "When Justin and your father died, it was the worst thing that could have happened to you. I think you would have preferred death to the guilt you felt. Eventually, you started doing things again. But they didn’t make sense to me at the time. I was amazed to hear you had decided to go to Command school, for example. After all those years hearing you extoll the virtues and poetry of science, to hear you wanted to be a captain was a surprise.”

Mark’s stared at Kathryn intently and said, “That was a retreat. You had been faced with something unimaginable, and you buried yourself in Starfleet in response. You retreated to something predictable, something that made sense. You retreated to something that made you feel as though you had some measure of control, because those horrible things that had happened to you up to that moment were losses of control."

Kathryn looked at him somewhat blankly. 

Mark sighed and continued.

“Intellectually, of course, you know you can’t control everything. But your greatest fear is being so out of control that you cannot protect people you care for. And when you start to feel your illusion of control threatened, you put on an armor you’ve constructed out of Starfleet rules and regulations and duties and obligations, and everything else you found in the Fleet. It’s as though some part of you is convinced that if you can live up to ‘Starfleet expectations’ just enough, then everything will be OK. And then when things aren’t OK, you’ve already set yourself up as a scapegoat.”

He picked up one of the napkins that had remained on the table and started folding and unfolding one corner of it.

“In all honesty, I was only ever another form of retreat for you, Kath. I knew that. You cared for me, but I was safe. Agreeing to marry me was your way of trying to live out an equation that would make your life make sense.”

Kathryn felt a heaviness in her chest. He was right – he was so right. 

She glanced at him, then at Carla, then she looked at her own hands on the table.

“You believe I used you, Mark?” she asked.

At this, Carla spoke up.

“No,” she said, “he doesn’t think you used him. Because you didn’t. The fact he was what you needed at that time doesn’t mean you treated him unfairly.”

Mark added, “If anything, I used you.”

Kathryn was surprised by this.

“How did you use me?” she asked.

“You were my childhood fantasy come true, Kath,” he replied. “I felt if I could ‘win’ you then I could do anything. The problem was, I was no longer a child. Adult Mark cared for you so very much, Kath – I still do. And I guess I loved you in a way. But I wasn’t in love with you the way I should have been to propose. I did it because it was what was expected. I was trying to live out a formula for happiness just like you were. And I was OK, because I knew you would never actually marry me. Your retreats do not lead to happiness.”

He raised his eyebrows and looked at Kathryn.

“Did you really ever intend to marry me?” he asked.

Kathryn didn’t have to think about it, she knew. 

“No,” she whispered.

She looked at him imploringly.

“I am so sorry Mark. As long as we were here and our daily lives were, I don’t know, predictable, then I was comfortable with the status quo. Looking back on it now, I don’t think I would have changed anything. I am sorry I lied to you.”

Mark laughed, “You didn’t lie to me. You were trying to love a safe life that wasn’t yours, like trying to wear a sweater two sizes too small. We didn’t belong together. I believe we would have figured that out.”

He took Carla’s hand and squeezed it.

“Some things are meant to be. I do love you, Kathryn Janeway, but never did I love you like I love this woman. And I know you never loved me like you loved Chakotay. And that’s OK. It really is.”

A tear slid down Kathryn’s cheek as she looked at Mark. He had just given her forgiveness she never knew she needed. And made it possible for her to forgive herself.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

The thing she needed to thank him for most of all, though, was that he made her think about how she had treated Chakotay.

She wiped her face and said, “So we’ve identified what’s wrong with me.”

Carla looked at her sympathetically and said, “I think we can find another way to phrase that. We’ve identified certain behaviors that led to a less-than-desirable result between you and the man you still love.”

Mark nodded in agreement.

“That’s the thing. Yes, you retreated from Chakotay many, many times when you were in the Delta Quadrant. And you retreated from him when you came back. You retreated to the admiralty, to all those missions, and all those flirtations with – and, I’m sorry, Kath, but let’s be honest – some really odd men.”

“I think your refusal to meet him halfway after Seven of Nine died was also a retreat,” Carla added.

“And you are saying that when I retreat, I am not living the life I should, correct?” Kathryn asked. “What should I have done differently?”

Mark thought for a second and said, “Let’s talk about Seven.”


	2. Something borrowed, something true?

"Yes,” Kolopak said. “Let’s talk about Seven of Nine. She was not the opposite of your Kathryn, but she was as close as you could get without leaving the ship. When you began romancing her, you not only were running away, you were sending a message."

"A message?” Chakotay asked. “What do you mean?"

"You loved to borrow trouble, my friend. Whenever you ran, you did so looking back, watching for a reaction,” his animal guide replied. “You thought choosing Starfleet over your upbringing wasn't a message to your family? You thought choosing the Maquis, a so-called ‘terrorist group,’ wasn't a message to Starfleet? You thought returning, in part, to Starfleet by accepting a role on Voyager wasn't a message to your Maquis shipmates?”

Kolopak added, “Each time you run, deep inside, you are hoping the place or people you left will regret their disregard of you. You are almost daring them to not regret it. These are the actions of a child, my son, not a man. What message did you send to your Kathryn by running to her surrogate daughter?"

Chakotay, remembering his conversation with B’Elanna and Tom, felt his shame deepen. 

"I guess I did hope she would feel … I don't know, something. Remorse? Jealousy? I don't know. I really did think I cared for Seven, father, truly I did. And I thought I could end up loving her."

"Did you love her?" his father asked.

"No."

"Did she give you peace?"

"No."

The snake said, "You ran to Seven to prove to yourself, to everyone, that you did not need Kathryn Janeway. You only proved the opposite."

Chakotay sighed in frustration.

"I know that now. I just … I guess I was lazy? I was waiting for Kathryn to prove she loved me by coming after me, I suppose."

Kolopak replied "Which means you were hoping she would do something that you knew was not in her. She will fight to the last breath for another, but she will not fight that way for herself, for her own happiness. Part of her believes she deserves all the hurt that life has given her, and when it comes, she holds it close to her like a miser with his gold. She would not act in a way that she believed might prevent you from finding the happiness she no longer believed she could give you. She would not act selfishly and allow Seven to be hurt."

At that, Chakotay felt a pain in his heart. It was guilt.

"Is that what I did?” he asked, his eyes reddening. “Did I act selfishly and allow Seven to be hurt?"

"Why do you ask me a question you already know the answer to?" Kolopak answered.

Chakotay sat quietly for a moment then looked at his father, tears in his eyes.

"Why did I stay with her, father? Why did I do that to her? Why did I allow myself to do that?"

"Oh, my son, the unfortunate combination of your nature and the reactions of those around you kept you with her far longer than you would have been otherwise. The disapproval of your friends made you stubborn. You had no fire in your heart for the woman, but you were full of fire to prove others wrong. And even when Seven started questioning your love, you did all you could to convince her – not because you wanted her love but because you had no place else to run."

His father was right. Seven had come to him many times with her probing inquiries about their feelings for one another, and he had used all forms of persuasion available to him to convince her that all was right. In fact, the times he had been closest to Seven had almost all been in response to challenges. If anyone, including her, questioned their relationship, he would react by becoming demonstrably more affectionate, more attentive to her. He did it to convince himself as much as anyone else – the doubts people expressed touched too close to his own doubts, and he could not face them.

Once more, Chakotay despised himself for his treatment of Seven. He had manipulated her. He had used her. 

His father broke into his self-hatred and said, "You are not the only person to blame. While your actions with Seven were not completely honorable, you did not intend to hurt her. I know that. And despite her lack of experience, she had the opportunity to seek better counsel. In fact, she received it from your friend B’Elanna, and she chose to ignore it."

Chakotay asked the question he was most afraid to hear the answer to.

"Did I kill her?"

"No,” his father replied. “She died at her time. Her journey, and its end, could have happened any number of different ways had other people not made certain decisions: had her parents not taken her with them, had the Borg not assimilated her, had your Kathryn not removed her from the Collective, had the Borg boy not given his own node when hers failed the first time, had the other Kathryn not gotten you back to the Alpha Quadrant when she did, had Seven listened to B’Elanna about going on the trip that would have led her to Axum, and so on. Any one of those things could have been the difference in life and death for that young woman. But she died at her appointed time."

"I do not think that is what Axum will say," Chakotay replied

"And now we come to why you came to see us,” the snake said. “You fear meeting with him."

"He will blame me. And I fear he will be right. I am tempted to cancel the meeting,” Chakotay replied.

Koloapak tilted his hear and looked at his son quizzically.

"Why? Has he treated you in any way that leads you to believe he blames you?"

"How could he not?"

"You continue to expect people to react as you do,” Kolopak answered, shaking his head. “Ah, son. You do not cease to amaze me. You have such respect for the habits and ways of other cultures, yet you cannot conceive that a single mind can be so different from yours. It is this last bit of your contrariness that you will find hardest to let go of. But you will."

"You believe so?" Chakotay asked.

"I do. You have a life in front of you, Chakotay. You have many years to go before your time to join the spirits comes. What do you want to do with it? And what do you know today that you did not know yesterday that will help you?"

Kolopak smiled patiently, and Chakotay smiled back. He reached for his father, but touched only air. He was in the dark New Mexico night again.

He sat silently for a while considering his father's last question. 

"What do I know today that I did not know yesterday?"

A shaft of light touched his skin. The sun had begun rise in the east.

"What do I know today?"

He gathered his medicine bundle and headed back to camp to pack. There was one thing he definitely knew today – he had an appointment to keep in San Francisco.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

“Whether or not I should have, part of me felt that Chakotay would keep his promise to me.”

Kathryn was going back over the story of Seven and Chakotay’s relationship, and how it led her to cut off communication with them both.

Mark shook his head and asked, “When did he make you a promise?”

Before Kathryn could answer, Carla broke in.

“I can see it. Maybe it’s a ‘woman thing,’ but I can see how Kathryn could have taken all those conversations and confidences as promises.”

But Kathryn shook her head.

“No, Mark is right. I assigned meaning where there might not have been any.”

“That’s not really what I mean,” Mark countered. “I definitely understand your interpretation, Kath. I am pretty sure Chakotay meant everything he said. The reason I was asking when he made you a promise is, I want to know why you didn’t throw it in his face when you got back to Earth.”

Kathryn ran a hand through her hair.

“I guess because I retreated? That’s the truth, you’ve been trying to get me to see, isn’t it? That I retreat from the life I could have and accept less?”

“Pretty much, yes,” Mark replied. “But why did you retreat so fully at that moment? And why did you stay gone?”

Kathryn looked a little defeated when she answered.

“Because I couldn’t believe he could love me when he could love her instead.”

Carla and Mark stared at their guest. It was an absurd thing for her to say – but it made complete, awful sense.

Kathryn continued.

“Plus, I was angry. At both of them. I was angry at him for giving up on me. It was as though he had come to the conclusion that we would never get home, so he’d better find someone to screw around with before he got too old. When he decided he wouldn’t wait for me, he was saying the wait would be too long. He didn’t have any faith in me as a captain.”

Kathryn was getting agitated.

“Damn him! And to not only give up on me, but to go after Seven. She was the closest I would ever get to having a child. Physically, she was too old to be mine, but her complete inexperience with being human made her a little girl in some ways. It was as though I was raising her, at least sometimes.”

Carla made a face and said, “Your man romanced your kid. Ick.”

“Yeah,” Kathryn responded. “And my kid romanced him right back.”

She threw her head back and sighed loudly.

“I was angry at them. And I was angry at myself for being angry at them. It was too much. So, yes, I retreated. And now she is dead, and I hurt him again, and I feel like shit.”

She looked at her friends.

“This is why I settled for all those ‘flirtations with odd men,’ as you put it, Mark. They were uncomplicated. I got what I needed and sent them on their way.”

Kathryn looked at the table.

“I was so angry at them for so long, I never gave a second thought to whether they might need my friendship. I never wondered if Seven had anyone who could help her after I walked away. And just last weekend, I found out how badly she needed me. She was dying, she needed me, and I refused. What kind of monster does that? I tried to teach her about humanity, and in the end, treated her so inhumanely.”

Mark looked at her with sympathy.

“I do not believe you and Chakotay are finished with one another, Kath, not by a long shot. I don’t know what you actually will be to one another, but you are not done – that’s the truth. But it’s also the truth that you need to work out your feelings about Seven before you can work out your feelings about him.”

Carla then asked, “Have you mourned her, Kathryn? I have no doubt that you cared for her a great deal, loved her like a daughter. Have you dealt with her death? Because I don’t think you can retreat from that and ever come to any kind of resolution with Chakotay.”

Kathryn nodded in agreement.

“I need to do that, you’re right. Tomorrow might be the first step.”

“That’s right, you are supposed to meet with Seven’s husband tomorrow, correct?” Mark asked.

“Yes,” Kathryn replied. “His name is Axum. He’s asked me to meet him at the Voyager Memorial at Starfleet Headquarters tomorrow. He wants to talk to me about Seven’s final days. Given how poorly I reacted to her invitation, agreeing to meet him now seems to be the least I can do.”

Mark smiled and said, “No retreat this time?”

“No retreat,” Kathryn replied. “This is when I stop retreating.”  



End file.
